the things people do for love

Finally realizing after another Valentines day that a box of chocolates or a heart shaped necklace or a faulty pregnancy test doesn't get the girl of your dreams I just don't know what men could possibly to do make a women happy.  I understand that women are very tough creatures to make happy but men bust their ass to try and make them happy.  I saw so many of my friends get stuff for the girlfriends/wives. fiances and what not.... the women's reactions were more fake then their hellos to girls they don't like. "OHH hunny this is exactly what I wanted." "Sweetheart are you a mind reader (slowly turn and roll eyes)" "Baby I've always wanted a X Box!" I truly think that if women would just be honest things would go much smoother.  You don't have to say, "I hate this" or anything like that but it would be nice to just hear the truth sometimes.  Because in truth there is love.  Oh honey I wasn't really expecting this but I know you tried hard to get me a perfect gift.
This leads me to the real problem at hand.  LADIES!  If you want a particular thing for Valentines Day, your birthday, christmas, Channukah, or any other crazy holiday then just tell us.  We will get it for you i promise (as long as it's not the size of the ring Kobe bought for his wife, and by buying that... buying back her love and affectiong).  Men don't know what to get you.  It does reflect that they don't listen.  But if you are dropping little hints to them they aren't going to pick it up.  You gotta just say.... THAT WOULD BE AN UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE GIFT FOR VALENTINES DAY!  We do not pick up on the small stuff.  I know you think we are clueless and it is not that at all, it's just the fact that when it comes to shopping for girls we don't want to get you clothes because some guys don't have style or know your size and dont want to ask you because they want it to be a surprise.  And ear rings?  Really?  Come on... that is nearly impossible unless you're with him.  If you just open up and help us out a little i know you will be happier with the gift giving process.  Men hate to shop, tell them what you want so you get at least one thing that you are going to be happy you're getting and then let him get you something stupid from the dollar store that he was going to get you anyway.  Which are just funny presents that are an inside joke to both of you and I think those are the best presents.  We try, and we try.... we just can't do it on our own... please.... help us.  And help us wake up, remind us to put the toilet seat down,  do the dishes after we use them, light a match after using the bathroom, and other small things that we always forget.  I think if this process is followed then we could lower the divorce rate from 50% to 48.8%.... and that's a lot of people, all because of communication.

                                    The Love Doctor,
                                        Joey Paull

P.S-
Caine, you were right I didn't get with anyone at the wedding.

Charlie Sheen

            I do not think that the name of my blog could be any better for the subject I am taking on today.  A man, they say, born with tiger's blood and the DNA of Adonis: A man some call CHARLIE SHEEN.  He has had nicknames in his past movies which were all SOLID GOLD movies, the one I feel is the most fitting would have to be Wild Thing, and Wild Thing.... I would just like to say... I think I love you (even more now).
            His children were just recently taken away from him today, I suppose Child Services may have seen one of his 30 interviews.  All saying the same thing, he is not man...... he is immortal.  These interviews have definitely enlightened me to information regarding Charlie Sheen.  I had no idea he was even a rock star, let alone a rock star from Mars.  They tried to keep him in Area 51 after his landing about 65 years ago I am told but they could not hold him due to his immense strength and talent of seduction.  
           Charlie has had drug problems in the "past" and from his interviews you can tell that he is doing much much much better these days.  I am ashamed that we live in a world where Child Services could take children away from such an amazing man, father, actor, tiger blood holder, Goddess attracter, Rick Vaughn and on top of everything else.... an amazing orator.  He has spoken so beautifully and without repetition in these interviews.  And the lighting in which he was shown in, well that just shows you that he could not possibly have anything wrong with him.  He looks as good as any homeless male prostitute could ever look.  He has recently, since these incidents, been offered roles in Charlie's Song, The new E.T (in which he will play the ever loving extra terrestrial, of course this is because of his knowledge of the universe), and... most impressively he has been given the role of Jesus in The Passion of Christ 2.  Mel Gibson loves Charlie Sheens acting ability and I am told they feel the same way about the Jewish community, they love them.
          In all seriousness though, Charlie did bring up some good points... AA does only have a 5% success rate.... wait did I say points? I meant point, he brought up a good point.  Sure, that point he brought up didn't really help anything nor did it hurt.  It was just his explanation of why he had his own little "Happy Valley Lodge" Sober living rehab at his house (in Malibu).  I do not think this will kill his career as much as Mel Gibson's outrageous tapes killed his.  Though I do think he might have trouble striking a job for a little bit.  Unless the job requires someone with Tiger blood, then he is perfect for it.  Charlie is going through a tragic time right now and I have always loved him.  Hearing his crazy stories of the parties he had thrown at his house and how his cars were driven off a cliff during one of these parties and he has no idea how that happened, He's just always been so entertaining to me.
         There is one word he keeps on using that truly describes the downfall of Rick Vaughn, and that word is "Epic."  At this point, last time I checked, he was winning and the scoreboard doesn't lie.  Well, I wish you the best Charlie.  Keep on winning, because you need to win over a lot of judges, jurors and everyone in Hollywood.  I know you can Charlie, you are... not only a genius in your words but also maybe the next Einstein (or Darren Daulton).  It's all about the W Charlie, keep it up, because we love every second of it.

At a Family Member's Wedding

So.... the question is posed, "Does a man whose cousin Christopher is getting married on Friday dare to go after one of the bridesmaids?  Or should he just stick to other people in the wedding"  I do not see the problem in getting with a bridesmaid that is not in a relationship.  Because as we all know from Wedding Crashers it is rather easy.  They all want to have a man that will take care of them because they just saw their friend get married and how beautiful the whole process was from the day they started dating up until the wedding.  I.... do not know if it is out of line to take "advantage" of emotions, but if "emotions" were not taken advantage of then no one would ever get laid.  Sorry to be so blunt.  As you all know I am an incredible dancer if you have been keeping up with the blogs and that is an automatic in, no pun intended.  So, will it be disrespectful if I get with one of the bridesmaids?  And this is what I have come up with.

     1- No

So after a long arduous thought process I have decided that many of the single bridesmaids are going into this wedding the same way I am.  They are thinking, at the end of the night I would love to have someone to "snuggle" with.  But the real question is, how many OTHER good looking girls will be there?  Because if I can stay away from the drama of getting with a bridesmaid then I will, not a confrontational guy (bullshit).  But after they see my talent in dancing and me sheer comic genius I am a definite in for someone.  But, and this is a big but!  I sweat like a black guy at a kkk meeting.  So after dancing all night and sweating through my suit, unless I can take a shower before "things go down" I think I might have to pass.  Because I understand that it is sexy while in the process of making love to sweat but I don't think there is anything sexy about making love to someone who has been sweating for 4 hours unstoppably.  And if a girl thinks that isn't a problem I should probably stay away from her and that thing on her lip anyway because she's gross.  So.... in my final tally... weddings, although fun and such happy events lead you to think of way more things then you want too.  Like the fact I am not married yet, and my life is not progressing as I would wish... and so forth.  This glorious occasion will be fantastic while it is going on, but will lead to depression for one's own self in the following days afterward.  I know that is probably selfish but I am so happy for My cousin and his beautiful bride, I am just not looking forward to the next week of depression that will follow.... and the only thing I can think of that will make it better is a great story about how I got laid by the aunt of someone in someone's family that I know so I can blog about it.  God that would be great.  Unfortunately, I know all the aunt's, and if I blog about getting with one of them, just know I am a disgusting human being.

Dumb People

Here’s the thing.  If you are driving down the road and notice that someone has the door of their car open, there is no need for you to lean on your horn.  Especially when the whole other lane is wide open.  All you have to do is turn your wheel a little bit and take that lane around the 2 feet that you can not pass.  And while you are just leaning on your horn and cursing at the person (me) that has the door open, please realize that it is not going to help.  As a matter of fact it makes the person who has to close the door go slower.  Maybe even go inside with the door still open just to see what you are going to do.  I DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE GOING TO ACTUALLY WAIT UNTIL I CAME BACK OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR TO PASS!!!!  But when I did come back out and you opened your window and called me an asshole and a piece of shit, and I’m not sure what finger was looking me right in the face but I’m pretty sure that it was one close to the middle of your hand.  Don’t tell me I have no respect, you just don’t know how to fucking drive.  You do not have to stay in that lane especially when the cars behind you are passing you.  I don’t know if you were proving a point or what you were doing, but you lost.  All told it ended up being a 5 minute delay in your day that didn’t need to be.  You, my friend, are an idiot.  And if I ever see your car coming down the street again I am going to open all the doors in the car and just sit outside with a six pack and watch you struggle to figure out what you’re next move is Einstein.  Truly, you are the dumbest person alive.  And I wish I could say it was a terrible woman driver but it wasn’t.  It was a guy in a wife beater in February.  Got to love my neighborhood.  A couple of my neighbors who realized I was messing with him did come outside and start laughing with me which started my day off great.  So, to the F 150 driver who drives down Montour street at around eight in the morning, you are truly the dumbest human being I have ever seen.  And you calling me an idiot is actually a complement because I can’t imagine someone doing something as stupid as what you just did this morning.  Please, please drive by tomorrow again as I put two trash cans in the middle of the road and a sign on them that says, “F 150s may not pa

Just because we hold the door for you.......

I am not very happy after my recent Wawa trip.  Always.... ALWAYS I hold the door for women when they are going in anywhere.  So today, I was about to walk into Wawa and saw that there were a couple girls about ten feet away.  So I opened the door and waited for them, they walked through and didn't say a word... no Thank you or Hello or anything.  At this point I just let it go and walk in to grab myself a Coca-Cola because everyone knows how much I love my Coca-Cola.  I pay for my soda and start to walk out and notice the girls I let in are walking right in front of me.  Fantastic I think to myself, they can make up for being assholes on the way in.  So I put my head down walking right behind them and get through the first door, thank you i say, and as I am getting to the second door I lift my head only to have it smash into the fucking door because apparently she thought maybe it was a good idea to just get out as fast as she could and let the door smack me in the face!  I stop to regain my composure and throw the door open with all my mite!  And as I am ready to yell at these girls for being typical, no mannered northeast brats I hear a bang.  While I let my emotions take over and swung the door open at 100mph it hit an older lady directly in her coffee holding arm and burnt the shit out of her.
          So I went from being a very nice guy to the biggest jerkoff in the world.  I started freaking out saying how sorry I was and trying to explain how "those girls were so obnoxious and slammed the door in my.... Oh yeh... right.... I am really sorry"  So I bought her another coffee and at the end of the day I am sure she never wants to see me again but was at least smiling when she left.
         This is all just a precursor to saying,"We always hold the door open for you ladies, can you please return the favor!"  Because I really don't want to break an old women's hip while flailing a door open to tell you how obnoxious you are.  Damn you to hell girls from Wawa, Damn you to hell.

Philly goes to Oregon

So the life long question shall be answered tomorrow.  Can someone from Philadelphia actually understand/ be able to compose himself in a respectful way in another state (besides new jersey because that place is the arm pit of America).  I am off to Oregon tomorrow and to tell you the truth I am not sure if they are ready for me.  I am Philly for life, gangsta as shit... if one of those loggers who thinks he's so tough steps up to me he's gonna feel what it's like to get thrown down a mountain.  I am not sure how I am going to do with all the nature because the only nature is philadelphia is "Naughty by Nature."  I am very excited and just hope that Oregonians realize that they can't step to a Philly bol or there will be problems.  Even though they all have rifles, I am too quick for bullets and this gives the women there a chance to be with someone outside their family... haha.  I am just joking (?).  Oregon I hope you are ready to get hit in the face with the baddest mutha this side of, well.... anything.  See everyone when I get back, check up on my blogs I will be writing everyday.  Keep Philly up sonsss!

The best thing a white man can hear

Through the years I have and still have many African American friends.  We have always gotten along very well, more so than the other white kids they knew.  Maybe it is because I was always good enough at basketball to play on the same court as them or maybe just because I dress well and iron my T-shirts just like all my black friends do.  But the greatest thing I have ever heard from, well actually, from many black men is this quote, "Joe, for real... I think you are the coolest white kid I've ever met."  Recently my friend Prince said this to me and I was smiling for weeks!  I don't know why it means so much but it truly does.  Just knowing that you are the coolest white kid that they have ever encountered makes you feel pretty good about yourself.  Always being a city kid definitely helps me out in these situations.  Growing up as one of the few white kids on my block, I guess as a young man I picked up a lot of traits that many of my African American friends have.  So to all of my African brothers reading this blog, remember... you said I was the coolest white kid you've ever met.  And if you are just going around town and saying that to every white kid you see my heart is broken.  I still bust a sag, shit... i wear Rocawear!  So just remember, if my other white friends are reading this... all the black bols we know like me way more then they like you.  Because I'm gangsta as shit.  And I would just like to thank all of my friends of the darker persuasion for complementing me in a way that I will always remember.  But don't think I didn't put in the work.  I know all the words to every Wu- Tang song and every solo venture they ever went on, and i did that for you guys.  Thanks again... you are truly all my N&%^@$.  One.

Joseph Muhammad Abdur.... Joe Paull is my slave name, and from this day forward I will not be known as Joseph Paull.